STOP KILLING YOUR CRAZY AND THEN WONDERING WHY IT’S GETTING HARDER

I get off on being creatively challenged.

I want to be pushed.

I love it when I’m bleeding and sweating and crying and damn near dying on the floor, not knowing if I can keep going, or figure it out, or manage to pick myself back up again, and then I DO.

I am at my best when I am stretch stretch STRETCHING beyond my capabilities, when I truly am not sure if every damn ball in the air is gonna fall on my face or, at the very least, a couple of ’em are going to splat like cracked eggs all over me while I JUST manage to keep hold of the others.

I like when I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL MAKE IT AND THEN I DO.

I like when things are MAD crazy busy in a way that is purposeful and exciting and slightly breathless making in that eyes-wide-open this is all just TOO thrilling and I might even be a little bit aroused right now sorta way.

I like when I am SO full to the brim already that it’d be just RIDICULOUS to take more on, and then I do.

I like when my day, my week, my life, feels like a race … an adventure race where, even though I sometimes think I don’t WANT to even START today ’cause God – what kind of crazy bitch would try live like this! – that when I do, I then drop in –

and in –

and FURTHER in –

and EVER more in –

with every.single.step.

Becoming one with the dance of it, the rush of it, the breath of it, just whirring and whirring and twirling and being one with life ITSELF.

And I’m just IN it, you know? Loving how ALIVE I feel. How CHARGED I feel. Feeling the stretch and pull and strengthening of my muscles, the thump thump thump of my heart, the deepening of my breath, the CONNECTEDNESS to soul and to all that I always was but never before allowed myself to lean into.

I like when it HURTS a bit and I want to shy away from it.

Hurts like –

tearing you down, making you sad, making you mad or feel BAD?

No.

Hurts like –

Fuck! This is next level scary / exciting / mad! I’M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY. And then through my choice and my leap I INSTANTLY become that next version of me, ever and ever and EVER more the warrior woman, the wonder woman, the yes she fucking DID woman.

I like that I like an intensity, a push, a strive that most don’t even want to CONSIDER.

I like that I know how to plug into this stuff and access my SUPERHUMAN from it! I like – but am equally infuriated by – the fact that most will never ever ever EVER get the absolute joy and freedom that comes from truly reaching in to access your human potential and be all you can be.

They think that the destination is fucking CHILL?

They think that the point of all of this is to get to where everything is done and you can just BE? 

Be what?

Be sitting on a fucking couch having dranks and schnacks and looking pretty all day long?

The chill life is not for me.

I like TO chill. I like to pause. I like to play life like a luxy lady who lunches sometimes.

But the ALIVE PUSHING GROWING STRETCHING BREATHLESSLY CREATING life, that’s the one for me.

The can I can I can I dare I dare I dare I will I will I will I I shouldn’t I couldn’t I can’t I won’t and THEN I FUCKING DID and now HEAR me roar life

That’s the life for me.

And when I forget who I am.

And I forget why I do what I do.

And I make it about whether or not I should create or strive or stretch or REACH INTO THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL AND EXTRAPOLATE THE MADNESS, whether I should do these things for MONEY –

or for any other outcome –

then I start thinking I don’t wanna do what I always needed to do because without it I feel unplugged, diminished, and slowly slowly drained of soul.

But then I wake back up.

And I remember I’m not like the other entrepreneurs.

I don’t want to get to where I’m done taking pieces of my soul and throwing them all over the internet

I want to do more

more

MORE

of being me

I want to reach in further, dig in harder, push faster and RUN RUN RUN in the direction of my dreams

When I forget to push

I forget how to breathe

so today I am grateful for remembering
who I am
how I am
that me being me is too much for most people, or looked down even in THIS world as being ‘wrong’, that the ‘goal’ for most people here is to slow down down down to almost still

but that for me the goal has always been to rev up up up up because baby when I run fast enough

I then fly through the top of the trees and into the skies over all of it

where I belong

in the clouds
in the crazy
in the push
in the GO
in the FUCK yes of my soul
and the FUCK no of trying to automate myself out of my own life

stop killing your crazy
and wondering why it’s only getting harder

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