THIS MIGHT BREAK ME
Sometimes I get tired, broken down a little, weary, with being this person.
Holding so much up, choosing so much, knowing so much is available and therefore feeling unable to NOT choose it.
Locking in ever ever greater and more aligned choices because why would you NOT, but fuck – !
It’s full on at times.
There are times when I imagine drifting away from all of it …
Opening my little bookstore / wine bar on the beach …
you know, the one where no customers are allowed it’s just me and my books and my wine and of course, maybe you. For a minute and then you can go
There are times when it’s just SO intense, it’s rising, I keep on pushing, it keeps on rising, I demand more and higher and deeper and faster and extra aligned down to the smallest little last BIT, and AUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I feel like I’m going to SCREAM, BREAK, RANT, I CAN’T!
Who the frick demands so much from life, expects so much, has about 89 different projects and companies and endeavours on the go at once and every last one of ’em coming at me like a roaring brought-to-life-train monster and for every thing that I decide gets to come to life which then DOES, another eleventy-eleven things come to mind which I NOW choose to choose, and it’s just.so.MUCH!
Maybe I just feel this way right now because I’ve been whirring twirling dance fighting my way through bringing to life a wedding knowing the entire time it may not have been allowed to happen due to Covid restrictions,
yet diving headfirst into the fray of it all day every day anyway,
(damn that shiz is time consuming even with the most amazing wedding planner!),
all the while pulling epic numbers out of thin air in my coaching biz,
mentoring my INSANELY badass clients (thank God for this, one of the most expansive and energising parts of my week!),
and knee deep in my other companies | projects | investments, oh and re-styling my home because obviously now is THE time to do that.
++++++++.
But I’ve felt this way before, I’ve been in the flow dance before when it’s flown me to the highest of heights and I’ve reached that point where I’m about to crack through the doors of heaven itself, somehow carrying the entire world before me, this is nothing new, INTENSITY is nothing new, and the truth is?
I would never not wanna be this person.
(But I’m still gettin’ that bookstore wine bar on the beach!)
Because here is the thing.
About being like this, knowing like this, creating like this, playing life like this.
The moments of it feeling as though it may break you? If and when they do come, firstly, let’s be honest, there is a pretty not insignificant part of who you are that likes.that.shit.SO.hard,
(don’t tell me you weren’t born for the push, the drive, the reach into your own soul and THRUST out the blood and gore, you ARE the push!), and also?
It’s not everything you’re choosing or saying yes to or leaning harder and more relentlessly into choosing, and it’s not even the all-at-once-ness of the thing.
Sure,
maybe you could stand to fully breathe | pause | scream | whatever for a few extra minutes here and there, but if you’re anything like me you’re pretty all over the complete next level platinum diamond self-care and stillness thing,
it’s just that regardless of that you still have the ‘this sort of mind and personality’ thing
AND –
the ‘this might break me’ vibe?
That shiz really only pushes you over the edge when there is some part of you NOT ACTUALLY CONNECTED TO TRUTH.
In other words,
fear and what if has just gotchu a lil bit.
What if I don’t pull it all off?
What if the principles I live and breath and teach don’t apply in THIS particular sitch?
What if all these balls in the air fall on my head, crack open, and everybody laughs?
What if I actually AM crazy, that even as I commit to all these various additional investments I decide now is the perfect time to drop a ton of extra money on whatever other stuff that just popped into my head?
What if I don’t actually get exactly what I want?
What if I get something really REALLY bad / lame / not amazing?
What if I don’t actually pull magic outta my ass this time?
Why do I have to keep saying yes to all this?
Invariably, of COURSE, when these sorts of questions are rising, obviously some of what you’ve got going on will also start to fall apart, slow down, disappear altogether, fuck with you just for funsies. The more you then start to whirl into the hyper OMG I CAN’T thang? The more of it STILL will come at you. Ha.
And you will feel yourself cracking.
Maybe I DON’T have what it takes.
Maybe I HAVE gone too far this time.
Maybe I AM delusional.
AUGHHHHHHHH!
But here is what I know for sure.
After being this person for oh, I dunno, roughly an entire lifetime or more?
YOU.WERE.MADE.FOR.THE.FRAY.
You were made for the MADNESS.
For the CRAZY.
For the INTENSITY.
For the BLOODY.
For the SHOVE IT ALL DOWN MY THROAT AND THEN I’LL TAKE MORE of it.
No.
You do not have to live every day in mad crazy breathless relentlessness.
But no.
You also cannot live without that.
And sometimes yes.
It is just a LOT.
And that’s how it is.
And that’s what you chose.
And right now you are GROWING, you are EXPANDING, you are BECOMING, and most of all?
Because here’s what else I know:
IT’S.ALL.O.KAY.
It will all add up.
The pieces will drop in right as they need to.
The ones that blow up were meant to.
The dance makes no fucking sense and it looks like you are pure manic idiocy until the second when IT ALL MAKES FUCKING SENSE AND COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY OTHER WAY.
Which means the only QUESTION here …
is do ya still wanna roll like this and just breathe THROUGH the intense bit and actually ENJOY it?
Because if you actually knew it’s all lining up just for you,
and you actually knew you can’t get it wrong,
and you actually knew that just the act of you claiming it is the thing you will look back on and realise – holy shit! – and then it happened – !
Would you still be freaking out like that?
Or would you throw your head back, laugh GLORIOUSLY at the epic never before seen specimen you are, and then KEEP ON TWIRLING?
And maybe you’d freak out anyway for a minute, hey, it’s allowed.
There’s nothing wrong with a freak out.
There’s nothing wrong with wondering whether you have actually maybe hit the limits of sensibility this time?
There’s nothing wrong with all the damn balls in the world falling on your head and busting open!
Wanna know what there’s something wrong with??
Not saying yes to what’s in you.
THAT’S IT.
So?
Nah, there’s no more so.
Go be who you always were.
The End.
And that’s all there is to say about that!
Except?
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