STOP APOLOGISING FOR YOUR EXISTENCE, ADMIT WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO, WAKE UP AND RULE THE FUCKING WORLD

I was ordering coffee just now, and a split second after I approached the cashier a guy came up also; from a slightly different angle.

I was definitely slightly ahead of him but yet my instant reaction was to apologise (for what?!) and tell him to go ahead of me.

I do this a lot – apologise for no apparent reason, withdraw quickly in unimportant day to day situations, tell people to take my place, go first, go around me, etc.

It occurred to me just now that this isn’t just me trying to be socially polite or respectful. I would never push ahead of somebody anyway! And I’m not even talking about situations where I accidentally get in someone’s way for whatever reason.

I’m talking about situations, basically, where my existence is noticed. Where I unwittingly interrupt somebody else’s flow, pathway, not because I was clumsy or inconsiderate but just because I am THERE.

I did the same thing 20 minutes earlier, after I ordered my first coffee here and then sat down at a table. The dude next to me had his jacket sort of in the area where I would sit. He apologized and moved it, and I quickly apologised back to him.

“No, no, it’s fine!’, I said – “sorry!”

Sorry for WHAT?

Nervous people say sorry a lot.
Insecure people say sorry a lot.
People who don’t believe in themselves say sorry a lot.

Why do I say sorry a lot, I’m a fucking dominating QUEEN of badassery in my business … aren’t I?!

Well, yes, let’s just be honest 🙂

But also, as much as I know how to crush it in my writing, speaking, when I’m doing what I do, I often still feel like I haven’t learned how to be a proper grown-up human.

Like inside I’m still that nervous and insecure ‘not cool’ child, or geeky teenager who wondered if she’d ever be good enough, ever fit in, ever be wanted.

When I do this SORRY thing, I’m aware that the emotion that precedes it is a slight anxiety. I can feel my insides freaking the fuck out. Don’t get in someone’s way! Don’t annoy them! Don’t get NOTICED!

WHY?

When it happened just now at the cash register, the guy who I said sorry to gave me a look like he thought I was being amusing, but also a little weird.

“Why are you saying sorry?!’, he said – “don’t you want to order? You were ahead of me”.

Good point.

Thanks Mr Man.

Why the fuck AM I saying sorry, and why am I worried somehow that you’re going to think I’m a bad person for ordering my coffee before you WHEN I WAS ALREADY AHEAD OF YOU?

God our thoughts like to fuck with us at times, don’t they?!

And sometimes I think my entire BUSINESS and the way I show up in it so forthrighly is a result of the fact that deep down I just want to prove myself, and also be SEEN.

LOOK at me!
I’m HERE!
My message MATTERS!
I’m ALLOWED TO EXIST!

It’s easier to prove yourself, sometimes, through your business and how you show up AS the real you there, then in the day to day of actually having to live amongst the humans 🙂

But here’s what else I think about this, and this is maybe not where you thought this post was going:

I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have something to prove.

I wouldn’t be here if that long-time part of me hadn’t needed to FIGHT FOR HER RIGHT TO EXIST.

The truth is that I wouldn’t BE here if something inside of me wasn’t desperate for so many years beforehand to be NOTICED, accepted, acknowledged and ALLOWED.

I spent the first several years of my online business treading cautiously, worrying about what people would think of me, careful not to ruffle feathers.

Saying SORRY, basically, for being there.

Would you like to know where that got me?

Eventually, I got tired of that. People ask me what it was that changed, that allowed me to start CRUSHING it online. You wanna know what changed?

I got sick of picking myself back up again.And I decided to go all in and SHOW UP AS THOUGH I WAS ALLOWED TO BE THERE.Not just allowed to be there but allowed to LEAD there.You wanna know where that got me?HERE, duh 🙂Crushing it and having a damn awesome time doing so!!

I’ll bet though, that that part of me that still needs to fight for her right to EXIST is still coming through in my business someway, somehow.

Maybe I’m overcompensating for it, who knows! But here is what I do know:

When you become AWARE of these random things you do, think, allow to filter your view of the world, you can choose to beat yourself up for them, or you can choose to observe with interest, release perhaps, and then reframe into a POSITIVE.

I don’t know about you, but to me it makes so much more sense – and is more effective! – to see any so-called HUMAN FUCKING FLAWS or insecurities within myself as a reason to step MORE into my calling and to come back more aligned, faster, harder.

It’s time to wake up and realise that being unsure of yourself, questioning your message, even questioning your place in the world, needing to PROVE something doesn’t make you weak, or a bad person.

I’m GLAD I had something to prove and that eventually it got me to a point of FUCK THIS SHIT where I finally said what I’d always wanted to say in my business and act from TRUTH.

I’m GLAD I grew up unsure of myself and feeling not good enough because it drove me to HERE.We all have our shit, right?You can choose to make it into something that’ll STOP you -Or you can choose to wake the fuck up, realise you are HUMAN, dig deep and admit what you REALLY want to do and say, and then do it the fuck ANYWAY.And maybe, just maybe –Stop saying sorry for no reason 🙂