Selfish Driven Crazy Aggressive Me
Does it ever weigh heavily on your mind, when you think about how different you are to the norm, how DIFFICULT you are, how demanding you are, how damn high your standards and expectations are, not just for business but for life, for YOU?
Sometimes I honestly wonder if I should just go live on an island or something. Fully isolated from the world, except obviously with an awesome wifi connection 🙂
I just don’t feel at times like I’m cut out for the real world … or it for me.
And the biggest ‘problem’ with realising that truth (and it is truth) is that it’s not like I WANT to be, anyway.
Obviously.
So I have this problem … I guess you could call it … in that pretty much everyday I, at some point feel like I have to fight to justify who I am.
Too obsessed with work
Too driven
Too demanding
Wants it all
Now
If not sooner
Doesn’t see why she shouldn’t have it!
Impatient
Demanding
Diva
Selfish with her time, energy, with who she invests it in or on what
Easily fed up and frustrated with the boredom and smallness of the normal life
Oh, did I forget to say harsh critic?
Impatient
Aggressive
Ridiculous at times with ideas of what’s possible (okay ridiculous a lot)
Won’t stand for shit – confrontational
Simply cannot handle small talk
WILL not handle idleness, lack of drive, lack of passion, WHILING away life on whatever shit people while away life on
Seriously, I have to stop myself right now or I could really just keep going all day here. And maybe I’m too hard on myself, but honestly. Nah. I’m not. I am all those things, and more.
I want it all.
Now.
And I don’t see why the hell I shouldn’t have it!
And of course I could sit here and write out a counter-list of all my ‘real world nice’ qualities .. it’s not like I’m just a walking talking bitch all day long … I can be nice … fun .. relaxed even! I play with my kids … sometimes I even watch TV … SOMETIMES I even CLEAN MY HOUSE (okay only to make my way through it). I can be ‘normal’ on the surface … present myself nicely … show the world what it needs if the occasion demands it …
But I just can’t be normal at the core of me.
Whatever the hell normal is.
And like I said … why the hell would I WANT to be normal?
Just take a look around and see where life ends UP for normal people? Fucking scary is where! I should give my LIFE for a mortgage, for safety, for being ‘up’ on the news and world events, for a holiday ocne a year or something? For putting security over adventure, for putting ‘doing the right thing’ over being driven?
I’m selfish.
I’m aggressive.
I demand too much.
And it’s not even about whether I’m OKAY with that it’s about the reality that THIS IS WHO I AM.
Ask me to change it?
Might as well ask me to change my skin colour.
Pointless.
So I don’t even know why I’m writing this anyway. I don’t really have any advice here. I guess I could talk about how to ‘manage’ your time and your energy and how to ensure you be the wife / partner / mother / friend / whatever you need to be for the other people in your life.
On that note: when it comes to the people you choose to spend time with, choose ones who love you as you are and FOR it not in spite of it! Just an idea. It’ll make life easier for both of you.
Of course it’s not always that simple.
There are not many people like us.
This is why we need to find each other, join together, be recognised and told it’s OKAY to BE this person.
And honey if this is resonating with you and you’re screaming yes that IS me then know:
IT IS OKAY TO BE THIS PERSON.
Yes you ARE selfish.
Yes you ARE aggressive.
Yes you ARE a God damn selfish bitch.
AND IT. IS. OKAY.
Okay?
And if you’re reading this and wondering what the hell I’m on about or thinking about what an awful person I am then seriously – fuck off.
You don’t get it. And that’s fine, I’m not writing to you anyway; don’t want you to get it, not going to try and get you to get it. So go find someone to follow who you get! Unsubscribe button is down the bottom of all my emails, okay? It’s there for a reason.
But if you get it …
And you not only get it but the truth is you actually LIKE that you are this driven, this outlandish, this DIVA WARRIOR who wants it all and knows she can HAVE it all, well then let’s just come to terms with it okay?
Stop pretending!
Stop trying to conform!
STOP FIGHTING WHO YOU ARE.
Do what you need to do to show up and be human for the people, or in the situations where it is needed. But do what you need to do to SHOW UP AND BE YOU, most of all.
Of course you might not be as aggressive, as fast-paced, as confrontational as me about it. Your style of wanting it all might be a different pace altogether.
But either way-
The dreams you dream beneath it all are not futile.
They don’t have to be just dreams.
They were put in your head and on your heart for a reason.
We have one life here gorgeous!
Sometimes I tell myself I should back off – settle – do the right thing – do what’s expected – stop wanting so much – and then I just think about this:
Will I look back and be glad I backed off, settled, slowed down, followed what I SHOULD do?
It’s pretty much impossible to say yeah – I’ll be so glad I dimmed the light on my dreams and true desires.
So I get up.
I square up.
I remind myself that being this person is NOT easy, and it DOES come at a price. Sometimes the price is even your relationships! The great thing is you ALWAYS get to choose the price you pay, in any area.
So you might as well pay a price for what you really want.
Either way, you’ll pay.
Whichever road you take, there will be things to sacrifice, things to endure.
I’d rather endure the pain and torment of living true to me then the pain and torment of showing up the way I think the world – or anybody in it – wants me to be.
Most people die at 30 – or sooner – and then just walk around for however many more years.
But living – truly living – is fucking tough gorgeous. It is a big thing to ask of yourself, to truly live! It will tear you apart and eat you alive!
But ultimately, do you even have a choice?
If right now you’re settling … tellling yourself this is how it has to be for now … putting up … CONFORMING in any way or just delaying on your dreams and what you really want …
I just have one thing to say:
When you finally get the courage to actually live the life you KNOW you were born for, are you going to be so glad you prolonged and drew out that process?
Or do you think that maybe – just maybe – ripping the cord and leaping into the life your soul SCREAMS for might be more fucking incredible than you could ever imagine?
I don’t have your answer.
But I know I have mine.
One life gorgeous. ONE FUCKING LIFE.
IS IT WORTH WHAT YOU’RE GIVING IT FOR?
I’ll leave you with that.
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