SILENCE
“Sometimes when I am processing something, especially if it’s confronting or unsettling, figuring it out within me, and letting clarity drop in, you will notice I pull back, or go silent”.
I’m quoting myself from a discussion had in the very early stages of connecting with the man in my life, as things started to open and get heart real in a way which definitely brought up occasional STUFF.
He had noticed, and called me out on, a few times when I retracted or even went completely silent. I had owned it, then felt into it, figured out ‘hmm, that’s true, I DO do that, why do I do that?’, and then came up with the reason, which I shared with him.
Sometimes when I don’t know what to say in the relationship we are building I say nothing. I wait until I know my own mind, heart, soul, and also how to express it. I am okay with that. He is okay with that. It is actually greatly APPRECIATED, that I don’t speak (usually! 
) from reactivity. That I wait until what is meant to come out comes out with intention.
The one adjustment I did make, after observing, being called on, and owning that it’s my pattern to pull back or go quiet while I seek certainty, or at least a level of understanding on something that is taking me to a new level, is that I will tell him when I’m doing that. Actually I don’t have to, as he obviously sees it … but nonetheless it feels right to me now, when the occasional ‘WOAH, I don’t know what to do with this yet’ thing comes up in me, that I would say something like “I’m sitting with this / I’m feeling a bit unsure of what I’m feeling right now”.
Etc.
This is a personal relationship between two individuals, so (to me) it makes sense to be accountable to what we have such that I would SAY (now) if I don’t have anything to say yet.
If it were in a group environment, such as, let’s say, a group of friends who I commune with AS a group regularly, and something was feeling uncertain for me, I was figuring out what I wanted to share, or I was perhaps observing, learning, studying, finding and feeling my feelings, and waiting until it came from a level of connectedness to my own truth before sharing, would I be accountable to the group to let them know I am processing, learning, etc?
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
I can’t say for sure. I’ve had times in my life where this has happened within a friendship circle, and what is natural for me is to go quiet on that particular topic or conversation, withdraw, go completely silent, until I feel my own heart and mind again.
Doing this is in many ways the BEST way for me to learn and grow.
Indeed it’s how I’ve built my entire business and life … retracting, going within, processing, understanding, etc, and then (typically!) coming back like a raging bat outta hell with Things to Say to The World.
You feel me?
Some of you won’t feel me, AT ALL, on this, and that’s okay.
I know you know where this is leading.
Is it okay for leaders to stay silent, right now, on what is going on in the world, specifically in the US, specifically relevant to that Black Lives Matter.
Well, despite that I myself have posted and shared my thoughts briefly (and will likely continue to do so as it is something coming THROUGH me, and which I am, as and when I am, ready to speak on with a LEVEL of understanding and also intent), despite this, my firm answer on whether it is allowable for people to stay silent is YES.
YES.
YES.
YES.
1000x yes.
Bullying and shaming other leaders or coaches or people or ANYONE because they are not showing up the way that YOUR internal navigation system says they should is never.fucking.okay.
Do I believe this topic needs attention, energy, focus, change, HELL yes.
Do I believe that that requires ‘everyone who could’, or ‘everyone who has a platform’, to speak up in the way that others expect them to, HELL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING NO and frankly my unfiltered feeling on this is that some of you could shut the fuck RIGHT up on this and BACK.OFF.
Wanna say I am making it about me, or about anyone else’s ‘feelings’, and THAT IS NOT WHAT IT’S ABOUT, and so therefore that doesn’t MATTER right now, cool.
Say / feel what you need to say or feel.
To me this is 100% not about preserving anyone’s FEELINGS, I could care less about my own ‘feelings’, and to para-quote my amazing friend Amanda Frances, who speaks up often as a white woman coach, on White Privilege, and her open and raw thoughts on all of this, I lose people all the time anyway. It’s what I signed up for in this business, so no, I don’t care about whether I lose people, and I also don’t have any issues around gettin’ butt-hurt on ANY topic.
The reason I believe it is okay to stay silent is SOMETIMES THAT IS HOW PEOPLE LEARN AND GROW BEST. Sometimes that is what THEY need. Sometimes that is a PART of the way they begin to take action that ultimately moves mountains.
I would never have built a business that has made over 15 million dollars if I had not learned to be really fucking good at staying silent, going within, connecting in, and then COMING OUT RAGING AND SPEAKING MY TRUTH.
So when you tell someone that if they don’t state their stance, speak up, use their platform, ETC, you have no freaking clue what is actually going on with that person. YES IT’S NOT ABOUT THEM, WE GET THAT. But the way that an individual acts for change is NOT UP TO YOU TO DECIDE.
Maybe they are learning, observing, in the comments, getting to the point where they have clarity and ability to speak.
Maybe they are speaking, consulting, being guided or taught by trusted advisors before they try to do it with or from freakin’ FACEBOOK.
Maybe they will NEVER speak on this, and I also believe that is okay. Each person gets to decide their own message, and to follow what is within them. To trust in what they put forth, or no. To let their art be created from their truth, and also to let their ADVOCACY come from what they are aligned to speak on or indeed to act on in any other way that YOU may never be aware they are acting on.
I read a great Instagram post by a black woman I was just referred to via a client, and it added to my existing thoughts on this.
“Silence is not violence.
Silence is a decision.
Every decision has consequences.
‘Silence is violence’ often comes with a binary of right and wrong and an accusation of “if you’re silent, you are wrong”. White Supremacy thrives off these rigid binaries and absolute truths without space for complexity and humanity.”
You can read her entire post at @andrearanaej on Insta. I recommend it.
Here is what else:
It is not only white women (or men) coaches or leaders who have stayed silent and felt unsure of what or how to share. I have had NUMEROUS – yes, numerous – clients, both private and in my groups, who are black women, speak to me privately about feeling unsure about how or what to speak up about.
IT IS OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT IS OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO PROCESS IN THE WAY THAT THEY PROCESS.
YOU ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO ROB PEOPLE OF THEIR NATURAL ABILITY TO BE THEIR BEST AND MOST ABLE TO EFFECT CHANGE SELF.
I am my strongest and most powerful when I first take the time to do what I need to do inside of me. So if I am in ANY way going to be a voice on this matter, hell YEAH I was probably gonna be hella silent first. Which indeed I was. So when I DID then post, with intent, and heart, and a deep desire to create SOME kind of however small ripple effect, and some people made mention of being thankful I am ‘no longer silent’, on the one hand I get it, I get about my platform, and on the other hand, nope. Nope. Nope. My being silent was not me being ignorant, or uncaring, or whatever, it was me gathering gathering gathering.
AND.
Assumed possible response “this matters too much for you or anyone to have the privelege of gathering, observing, learning, figuring things out, etc”.
No. That is an extraordinarily narrow minded viewpoint predicated on the assumption that the most powerful way to create change is to speak even if it is reactive, not from intent, not from truth, not from POWER.
I know who TF I am, and I know how I best use the supernatural and physical power I have access to.
It sure as fuck is not and never has been and will never be by making sure I meet the demands of ANYONE to check a box / play by the rules of what a proper leader or even HUMAN should do.
I speak from intent ONLY.
I speak from heart ONLY.
I know how to use my platform and voice in a way that actually comes from power and truth, and I do so ONLY AS AND WHEN GUIDED.
Never before.
No exceptions.
The end.
So, yes.
I am here to learn.
I am here to grow.
I am here to CONTINUE to observe where I can do better, and how I can effect even the smallest of change.
I am a stand that black lives matter.
And I will likely to continue to speak up.
But I will do so as and when guided.
And as part of that I will never ever ever be part of a conversation that says there is a ‘right way’ that EVERYBODY must conform to, which means that if I have clients or friends or peers, of any colour, who do NOT speak up, then I know that that is okay.
It is allowed.
It does not at ALL mean any thing about them or their beliefs.
And it is only ever between an individual and God how they should be using their gifts,
message,
platform,
voice,
and whether or not they are in alignment.
Finally:
If a leader or coach is NOT God and soul led to speak on this topic, or is simply not ready to do so yet without ‘faking it’, should they have to announce and let you know where they’re at, that they’re sitting with it until they have clarity or readiness, much as I would do in my relationship?
NO. Maybe somebody reading this decides to do that, and if so I am happy. But if they decide that what THEY need in order to be able to be their most powerful towards ANY change self, whatever that means for them, is to continue to STAY WITHIN, I fully honour and respect that.
And I do not make that mean that you are anything other than you,
on your path,
where you damn well should be.
One more PS which I feel is relevant: as with anything, if you ARE led to speak, do so knowing it is okay to get it wrong, and to be humble to learn via mess.
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