I WANT TO DIE EMPTY
I’m an artist before I’m an entrepreneur.
I may have been selling since I was 3 years old, and never stopped since, but I’m an artist before I’m an entrepreneur. I’m here to write and unleash what’s inside of me. I could not give a flying fuck if me just letting it come out how it does come out draws people in, pushes them away, makes them feel unclear or confused, or if they love it and find it SO on point.
I don’t care if they think it’s messy, too much, could be better structured, could be more like the others.
Or if they feel like they never ever before encountered a more perfect and ideal way of being taught.
Sure, I’m happy when people love my stuff,
and the way I let it out into the world,
and the way we put together our membership sites and whatnot,
or the things I post on the internets,
of course it feels good.
And of course it feels not so good when people berate or tsk tsk or simply say they don’t get it or it’s not for them.
Of course the surface level human in me worries about doing things right,
properly,
in a way that people understand and approve of,
in a way that meets industry standards,
is pretty and proper and smartly put together like the others.
And of course the surface level human in me feels glee and pride when raving fans do their raving thang and when I know I’ve changed another life.
Of course I crave more of that, and hope that the work I put out into the world enables it!
But on a deeper level,
on a truer level,
on a core level,
in the realest of real parts of me, and in the place where I seek to be led and guided from,
I DON’T CARE.
Not because I *actually* don’t care, obviously. Because no matter what people may think of me – “she just doesn’t give AF!” – believe me. I hate it hate it hate it when people don’t get it, or when they dislike it; dislike me. I want to go around to their house, cook them a nice dinner (I’m a great cook!), and then POUR FORTH FROM MY SOUL TO THEIRS, so that they FEEL me,
so that they feel THEM,
and so that thing inside of them unlocks, as eyes wide open they realise just how much is available for them and how easy it is to just say yes to being all of them.
I know that when I TRANSMIT to them,
they’ll feel my raw real truth, my kindness, my love, my deep desire to be of service, and they will RECEIVE,
from my message,
what is there for them.
When they FEEL it,
the fact that how I DO it triggers or dismays them,
won’t matter.
When they FEEL it,
confusion simply has no place. Because we’re talking in soul speak not following rules of ‘how it should be done’ here.
So yeah.
I care!!
But what I do NOT care about, is I do not MORE about my fears, my insecurities, my natural egoic desire to be liked and accepted. Ego is okay! Insecurity is okay! Fear is okay! These things are even positive, more often than perhaps you think! But none of them get a greater say in my business,
in my life,
or in my unleashing of what I’m here for,
then what the unleashing itself does.
I’m an artist before I’m an entrepreneur.
I don’t want to look back, and see that I built a pretty little (or big!) business,
a proper and beautiful structured coaching academy,
a smart and organised membership site, or way of delivering my courses,
and that I ‘won’ the game of being a successful leader, coach, speaker, what have you.
Whose rules are we following here?
The coaching industry?
The personal development space?
The accepted ‘way’ for online entrepreneurs?
The proper way to teach?
The way it’s always been done?
The way that makes the most or correct ‘logical sense’?
FOR WHOM?
Whose logic?!
Whose way?!
Who decided?!
And why did YOU decide,
it’s right for you just because it’s right for them. How do you even actually know it IS right for them?! Maybe it’s not as obvious as ‘the blind following the blind’, because sure –
doing it ‘right’ and ‘proper’ can absolutely lead to an impressive level of success.
DEPENDING ON WHO YOU’RE TRYING TO IMPRESS!
Well,
I want to impress myself, first and foremost. God, before even that. I want to impress LIFE. And my own soul.
Impress is not the right word.
But no,
I don’t want to look back and see that I built all this impressive … STUFF.
No matter how awesome it is.
No matter how much money it makes.
Even no matter how many people it helps.
I want to look back and see that I was FAITHFUL.
To God.
To my own soul.
To my art.
To my message.
To what’s in me.
And what is meant to come out.
Two times this week, at church and then again at a Business & Professionals evening which I spoke at for the church on Monday, I heard it said –
“God doesn’t say ‘well done my good and successful servant’. It’s ‘well done my good and FAITHFUL servant'”.
Take God out of it if you like. But nonetheless – do you want to look back and see you were SUCCESSFUL? You BUILT right? Or do you want to see that you were FAITHFUL to your truth? Your core? Your deepest self?
I think,
I KNOW –
we can have both.
WE CAN HAVE IT ALL, and we absolutely get to!
But what is ‘it all’, really?
I want to die empty.
I want to know I let what’s in my out.
I want to give my life for what it was given to me for.
The throbbing
bloody
messy
beat of my heart
pounding
in sync with life itself
as I run
run
RUN
deeper into me
into God
into my own soul
and into life.
When I put building first
(or, even worry about it at all)
when I try and make sure I please people
(even a little bit!)
when I focus on ‘doing it right’
(or even doing it better!)
I by definition do not put my art first
and the beat of my heart,
fades.
Because ultimately here is what I know to be true,
for a woman like me and perhaps also for you:
EVERY MOFO THING THAT IS THERE FOR ME FOLLOWS ME JUST BEING ME.
But being all of me.
Not a single little bit cleaned up,
dialled down,
removed so that things are more tasteful,
or right.
I have to believe that the greatest business success I’m still to experience,
follows my falling even deeper into my art
into the way I cannot NOT do things
and into letting go fully, rather than tidying up slightly
Firstly, it’s easy to believe this because everything incredible I’ve achieved has come when I gave in this way,
but secondly –
if I can’t believe and live for that?
I don’t want this life at all.
before I’ll ever be an entrepreneur,
and I pray no so-called yet ultimately vacuous measure of success is ever shiny enough to cause me to forget that.
I pray this too for you.
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