I’m hurt, messy, raw. Here is how I deal.

Two times in the past 24 hours, heck, less then, men have made me cry. Two of the men I care about most, saying things that just feel really really hurtful. Wildly different situations and, in the second one in particular, I for certain was already reacting from feeling pretty fucking precious and fragile after what happened in the first situation, so I’d say for sure I exacerbated that.

But either way, FUCCCCCKKKKKKK I am feeling upset right now. 99.99% about the first situation, the second one just tipped it over the edge, like, are you fucking kidding me? I need you right now and you’re going to be like THAT? Okay.

I feel really hurt, devastated even, shaky and raw and also just ANNOYED.

Yeah, I get that I just wrote ‘men have made me cry’ and at the end of the day my emotions are always and only my own responsibility and nobody can MAKE me do ANYTHING. Personal motherfucking responsibility is real y’all, and whatever is showing up for me is always what I CHOSE, so just choose fucking better, right?

RIGHT.

But at the same time FUCK ME, I really thought I had / was / whatever, and this shit just came out of left field late last night, like a swift uppercut to the face when you’re just chilling on the couch not expecting to suddenly get taken down and then tossed in the tumble dryer for good measure.

I woke up this morning and felt like I’d drunk 4 bottles of wine and then done a freakin’ endurance race in my sleep or something, my eyes were like beady little pin pricks in my head, I’d been up most of the night crying and thrashing around in some kind of hormonal night sweat response to stress (reminiscent of the post-pregnancy sweats, UGH) and then overslept as a result of that, meaning I was late to get the kids to school.

That done, I made my way to the gym because all I could think was give me some IRON THERAPY. Let me get under the weight of the bar and just go into my flow zone and FEEL. As I squatted with some of my best weight and form in recent recollection silent tears streamed down my face and I found myself wondering –

What did I do to create this?

And what do I now get to choose to release it?

I sometimes worry that I’m too good at processing things, moving on, seeing past or beneath it, and almost immediately shifting into ‘oh, well, everything happens FOR me, so obviously this is for my growth and learning right now and how delightful, let’s wait with curiosity and giddy excitement to see what the fabulous lesson is and how I shall now transcend to the next level as the divine human I am’.

In fact I do believe and know all that and am indeed thinking it all, but at the same time –

Spew emoji spew emoji spew emoji. lol.

And I know I’m writing even more messy and raw than usual right now and absofuckingLUTELY using today’s blog as my own therapy (aren’t they all? ), and I’m not gonna try and clean it up or slow it down, so I make no apology for that, but I trust there is something here in my mess for you as well.

Because here’s the thing:

It DOES all happen for a reason.

There IS always a lesson to take, to drop into.

And the next level? Is always just around the corner waiting for you. When you get hurt, when you are thrown, when you feel like life itself has chewed you up and spat you out, maybe ESPECIALLY when you were swimming along happily thinking everything was taken care of and then BAM, it 100% is a GROWTH OPPORTUNITY.

Already as I feel the waves of pain wash over me as they tend to do in these sorts of situations, ebbing and flowing and then rearing up like a motherfucker just when you thought you were good, so that suddenly you’re randomly crying in the veggie aisle, at the same time I notice myself do what I ALWAYS do when its throw down time –

I feel myself tighten up. Lift up internally. My core becomes more molten steel. I was a fucking BEAST in the gym this morning, in a Goddess-babe sorta way 😉. I became more and more unstoppable and unbreakable with every breath, every moment. More ME.

I don’t remotely mean I blocked out feeling, or emotion, or went into some kind of ‘I’m not allowed to be vulnerable or raw’ anti-feminine type state. Not at all. What it felt like, what it feels like right now, as I pour out my cracked open and somewhat shredded heart, is a sort of FRAGILE FUCKING STRENGTH.

Like a willow branch, golden and slender and immensely beautiful and yet at the same time just TRY to fucking break it.

And I think –

Just try and fucking break me.

I don’t mean that any person tried to break me, nobody tried to break or hurt me, that’s just what happened, cliche and bullshit and trite as it sounds.

So yes.

I regroup quickly.

I step outside the situation and become the observer.

I open myself up immediately to what I need to know and understand and do differently, choose differently, have boundaries and standards and rules and expectations around, how I can now choose to BE MORE CLEAR because apparently I wasn’t fucking clear on some things I was putting out energetically.

And at the same time I allow myself to feel.

To melt.

To be a crybaby about it, and then remind myself that HELLO – being vulnerable or emotional or raw or HUMAN is not being a crybaby at all, so enough with the slightly deriding self-talk.

And, what is the point of all this, I don’t know. What is the point of this hurt right now which just seems, quite frankly, WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE in terms of what I thought was actually going on, I DON’T KNOW. It’s infuriating and wrong and SO, well, shocking, to be honest!

Except,

When I say I don’t know.

I do know.

My soul knows.

Why?

Why?

Motherfucking WHY?

Because it is ALWAYS that we get to have our version of it all, a full fuck yes life, on our terms, TOTAL alignment to soul.

And let’s get real here Kat – and for you as well, for wherever this is hitting home for you right now –

If shit is blowing up in your face then a) you created that (you can believe or not believe in THAT, but I wonder how it serves you to choose on opposing belief, and what ability to create a new reality moving forward it affords you) – and b) –

The burning up or down of the things always clears space and lights the way for the truer things.

And in the end, no matter the turmoil or trauma, it’s very very simple:

It is what it is.

And that’s all it is.

Now what’chu gonna do about it?

Remember:

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