Fucked Up, and Loving It
I reckon I must ask myself at least once a day what the fuck is wrong with me.
Sometimes it’s a quick passing head shake or eye roll at myself, almost like I can’t quite believe my own stubborn foolhardiness and have to at least try and laugh about it, but other times it’s a serious finger-wagging stern-headmistress-expression kind of a wonderment, in which I really do have to question:
Do I act this stupid on PURPOSE, or do I just like testing the universe / God / money / my own patience / any man, dog, woman or child who encounters me?
Please tell me I’m not alone in thinking I might actually be seriously fucked up …
With the silly things I do in business even though I know SO much better (comparisonitis and bright shiny object syndrome, I’m looking at you!) …
With the way I at times scoff sugar down like my life depends upon it … which well it might did I not have food a-plenty on the table any time I want it … and despite the fact that it makes me feel like crap!
With the way I almost DELIBERATELY seem to get exasperated at my kids when they’re just being, well, okay, evil little cute monsters sent to try the patience of a saint, but still, I GUESS, kids …
With the way I take every single simple thing that’s working for me, nod my head sagely and proudly at the magic I’ve created, then proceed to very thoroughly, very carefully, very absolutely, add as much detail as humanly possible to it so that I can once again struggle my ass off to get through the day never mind actually BREATHE.
Please tell me I’m not alone here!
I mean seriously … don’t you just have to LAUGH SLASH CRY SLASH SCREAM at the ridiculousness that is the way you behave at times, after EVERYTHING you’ve learned and know?!
I know I do.
I look at the way I take the simplest most straightforward things and turn them into puzzles that Einstein himself wouldn’t be able to solve.
The way I push myself to do massive ridiculous endless lists of stuff that I don’t even really care about yet at some point deemed important and am too stubborn to let go of.
The way I YETAFUCKINGGAIN give in to fear, resistance, ‘what if’, and the terror of maybe nobody liking me in my business and so I show up out of alignment, pretending, wearing a mask, trying just that LITTLE bit too hard or even a lot, or I simply don’t show up at all.
The way I so passionately preach to my clients and then go out and do precisely the opposite thing, because y’know, it’s my life and I’ll fuck with it if I want to no matter how much better I know, and I guess because also, y’know –
I’m human.
Fucking humans.
One of my entrepreneur friends and I have this thing we’ve started, which I based on an episode of Seinfeld (guilty! love it! know the entire freaking show off by heart!) in which Jerry and George are having a discussion about how awful people are.
“People!” says George.
“They’re the WORST”, says Jerry.
For some reason I found – and still find – this to be the most hilarious and profound piece of television of all time and wherever possible I try and work it into a conversation.
“Fucking people”, my friend PM’d me the other night after a dinner out with, well, PEOPLE.
“They’re the WORST”, I wrote back.
“Fucking HUMAN PEOPLE”, she replied.
“I know!”, said I.
It was hilarious.
You had to be there.
Where was I?
Oh – fucking human.
I guess I have to admit it.
{{{Sigh}}}
I am.
You too?
Gosh, sorry to hear that.
So anyway, since we’re all in this together and all, and since you’ve been stung with the same fucking human BS as me, here’s the thing.
The REALITY.
About being so fucked up. (In case you were wondering if you are? Yes – you are. Get over it, move on, etc).
It’s actually a kinda of a GOOD thing.
Hear me out here …
I don’t know about you, but here’s what I’ve realised is AWESOME about how fucked up I am:
* If I weren’t so fucked up I wouldn’t BE this person in the first place. I wouldn’t have walked out of every single freaking job I ever took, often within a matter of weeks, wondering for YEARS why the heck I couldn’t stick to something but ultimately creating an incredible kickass business and life on my terms.
* And speaking of walking out of things, if I weren’t so fucked up I wouldn’t have quit 4 (or was it 5?!) University Degrees midway through, never mind the fact that even when I DID attend class I was giving facials for $50 out of the back room of the University Health Food Store, NOT actually GOING to class. And if I hadn’t have constantly quit degrees, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life? I’d very likely be a fat alcoholic binge-eating lawyer right now. Plus with loads of money, yay. This way I get the money without the fat binge-eating alcoholic part. AND I get to argue with people anyway.
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I very probably would have stayed in the wrong marriage way back at the ripe old age of 25, instead of fucking THAT up, and who the fuck knows where I’d be right now?! Not here I guess!
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t have reinvented the wheel over – and over – and OVER – again, starting up new business, new ideas, relaunching my Goddamn website every 0.63 seconds, etc etc ad INFINITUM … which would have meant that I GUESS I’d still be “Australia’s Female Fitness Queen!” … which was, you know, COOL (if a bit wanky) but it sure as shit wasn’t the work I’m CALLED to do which is what I NOW get to do!
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t have battled bulimia for 10 years (which was NOT fun) but you know what, I’m glad I DID battle it because actually what it was about was being out of alignment, not living according to my values or what I really believed in, and once I realised that I not only quit bulimia but also freaking well CREATED THE LIFE I WANTED! So, thank God for THAT big red flag.
* If I wasn’t so fucked I wouldn’t have failed SO many times with the various offers and programs and products I’ve put out there, so many times I couldn’t now remember them all if I tried (you should see the domain name graveyard!), so many times that I NOW FUCKING KNOW WHAT WORKS. And how to SPEAK to people. And how to SELL. Not that it now works everytime. Ha! God no. But still – I know some shit. It’s good shit. It’s shit that works, and better still? Launching all that shit really taught me what the shit is I actually want to do. Which is, quite frankly, the shit 🙂
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I would have thought I could do it all myself (yay me!), would have stayed the course as a rather successful personal trainer (sweet, but NOT my destiny work), would NOT have invested over 300k working with the worlds’ best mentors in a number of different areas in order to try and fix the fucked-up-ed-ness and would therefore have NOT learned all sorts of awesome cool stuff, met all sorts of awesome cool people, created this awesome laptop life 7-figure biz!
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t have, further to that, landed myself in over 100k of debt, nearly gone bankrupt, thought I hit rock bottom, BATTLED to try and get out and ultimately realised that the only way? Was to STOP trying to force success and do shit I didn’t really want to do, for people I didn’t really like, and in a way I didn’t really believe in! Which is to say, again, I wouldn’t be here!
* If I wasn’t so fucked up I wouldn’t have shared the real me, all of me, the good, the bad, the CRAY CRAY, the SO damn ugly (and weird!), the mega vulnerable, transparent and at times God-awful side of me, with my community and Tribe, and I WOULDN’T FUCKING WELL HAVE MY COMMUNITY AND TRIBE. Or, probably, you. And that’d be sad. Reminder … people follow you because you are you! And you are REAL! Which brings me to this …
And THIS is what matters most, because hey – it’s not all about me:
If I wasn’t so fucked up you probably would really NOT be here.
Because the reason I have built this incredible community –
The reason I have been so damn blessed to make the money and the difference I’ve made –
The reason I’m literally able to just show up every day, open my mouth and heart and blurt out whatever comes out and KNOW it is helping people and by heck I get to call that WORK –
The reason people actually want to LISTEN to that stuff, and it MEANS something to them, and it HELPS them –
The reason people then want to buy my stuff … keep working with me … figure out their OWN shit and fucked-up-ed-ness through how they’re inspired or empowered by what I have to say –
Well the reason, plain and simple, is that honey I AM FUCKING FUCKED UP, and SO TOO ARE YOU! Yes I’ve achieved some cool stuff and I have empowering lessons to pass on to you but the reason you would even want to CONSIDER listening to what I have to say is you know that I get it. That I’ve BEEN there. That I’ve fought the fights, both inside and out, got through to the other side but that hell YEAH I still fuck it all up now and then.
Just like you.
Just like ALL of us.
Which is to say –
Fucking humans.
But hey, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?!
And right now I want you to join me.
I want you to join me in saying HELL YEAH Kat, I’m fucked up – and I’m fucking okay with it.
HELL YEAH Kat, I don’t have it all figured out yet – and I’m okay with it.
HELL YEAH Kat, I have no freaking clue WHAT I’m doing half the time, and frankly I’m worried at some point I’m going to be called out on not even being a real adult, but you know what?
I have a message to share.
I have shit to say.
And by God do I have some great stories of fucked-up-ed-ness that maybe, just maybe, can help someone.
Because, you know –
Fucking humans relate to fucking humans.
And us fucked up ones? Well we need to stick together.
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