DID YOU DIE YET KAT? NO? THEN KEEP GOING!
i felt so cranky all this morning
i didn’t sleep that well, but I don’t think that’s why
it was just a general … discontent, you know?
i jumped into what REALLY looked like it should be a fabulous day. nothing I had to do. all time available to me, as always.
journal, blog, now workout, right? yay!
except – BLEUGH
I just didn’t wanna
kind of just like, same old same old, so fucking WHAT
i didn’t even feel like getting a MASSAGE!
something I’ve noticed, about achieving dreams and creating a lifestyle most wouldn’t even DARE to dream of, is that it can still totally feel like MUNDANE ROUTINE, if you allow it to
i know this probably won’t go down too well with a lot of people, but the truth is that endless days of time to create and go within and rest and play and have fun can feel like a CHORE and a BORE at times!
maybe it’s that the thrill of the chase and the push is missing
or maybe it’s just that WE are the ones who were born to never be done, never get ‘there’, and we NEVER ever want to settle and ‘just’ live, if living is without experiencing daily the ENERGY and the emotions we crave
it doesn’t matter how awesome it is and how much I DO love it, as soon as something starts to become routine, I start to kinda sorta hate it
not in the sense that I would ever actually STOP … I mean, I DO do all the same sort of things each day! but, more in the sense that if I make it my ‘rule’ or something, that these are the things I am gonna do or have to do, then I immediately, well, duh – wanna break the rule!
the old me lived in fear
she thought that success had come, and would only stay, if she stuck to certain things done in certain ways
don’t feel like journaling or working out or doing content, too bad! you gotta do it! or else! the WHOLE THING DEPENDS ON IT!
the NOW me understands, and has FAITH, to know she will do what is required and that that is based on what is DESIRED
sometimes this means being outcome focused … ‘don’t feel like it, okay, but is it aligned / you’ll be so damn glad you did, yes? then DO it’ … and other times it’s about acknowledging that NO –
this is really really not what I’m gonna do right now
i’d be doing it for the sake of it
or just because, well, that’s what I DO
knowing all this, and knowing that the TRUE reason I have the results and life I do is because I follow SOUL FLOW ALWAYS, I threw the routine out the window
I jumped in the pool with the kids and horsed around for an hour or so, instead of having that as something I would do ‘later’ when I’ve done all my content / my stuff
as I floated on a massive bean bag (well, tried to; kept getting pushed off) I thought about how pointless it is to push push PUSH, and try to get shit done, if it’s not simply the one or two things which matter most
I thought about how many people talk of ‘going all in’, and ‘fully showing up’, but yet day after day they hide from the REAL stuff inside of them
SAYING they’re going to share their truth
repeatedly failing to do so
I thought about how my entire business has been built from one daily activity I gave myself permission to do, even when nobody was listening, for years it seemed, and yet I kept going – writing my daily blog
I thought about the next level for me, and how that really comes down to whether I simply take my writing up another notch (dedicating a little more time to it each day is what feels aligned; for my books) and also make / create a funny video each day or two
this is maybe 30-40 minutes of time a day
which I have been avoiding
while doing all the other things
always
and having complete freedom AND time (’cause I bend time and space; I chose time abundance years ago, and it works!) TO do it, and to do whatever I want
because hey – I have a multi million $ biz already. Do I really have to do that EXTRA stuff; I don’t NEED to!
the truth is I’m in resistance and avoidance and maybe I’m scared, still, of not being good enough!
i’m comfortable and know how to operate in the bubble I’m in right now
and it’s a pretty good fucking bubble
but, I didn’t get here by staying in my comfort zone
and the truth is I don’t LIKE staying comfortable, it’s BORING
it’s not ME
I like the pain, the push, the blood, the sweat, the tears
after the kids left with Seraphina, our amazing nanny, I decided to just walk the streets of Bali
i still didn’t feel like working out
or like doing content or other things for my biz
or even like having a massage; imagine!
i began to walk
without realising it, I found myself at my favourite sweat box gym, The Daily Gym. it’s a no air-conditioning gym in a tin shed type situation on the roof of a pub. In Bali weather. CUE RIVERS OF SWEAT. I love it. I HATE air-conditioning with a spiritual passion. lol.
“Ugh”, I thought. “I’ll just do 20 minutes, why not? a little circuit. And then keep walking. Maybe the spirit will upon me.”
no expectations … it’s funny how, when we have no expectation of ourselves, magic can come through.
slowly slowly, I connected with my body
slowly slowly, I found my meditation in the rhythm and flow of the weights mixed with Eminem and Evanescence
slowly slowly, I started to speed up
to PUSH
to SWEAT … (more 
)
to BURN
an hour passed …
more
I let myself lean IN to pain, IN to going past my limits, IN to the place I call home, the place I am fucking ALIVE
as my lungs started to burn to the point where I had to think only IN each very second in order to not fall down or throw up, I wondered –
when and how and WHY did I forget this feeling?
I’VE BEEN SO STAGNANT
I never CAME here for fucking COMFORTABLE
i am so BORED at making money EASILY and having that be ALL
YES to continuing to receive ever more ever more, let’s be clear!
NOPE, there really is no need to push and sweat and cry and feel you’re nearly gonna die in order to get to rich
proof —> me
my clients
my friends
etc
we figured that shit the fuck OUT, and I know everybody wants to know how, and you know what, I will SHOW you
but let’s not forget who you are
let’s not forget that the God damn POINT of the burn was not to MAKE the fucking money or build the following
the POINT OF THE BURN WAS THE BURN
the POINT OF THE PUSH WAS THE PUSH
and it still is
it still is
it still is
they say that the moment just before you die is a moment of pure euphoria
i don’t know if this is true …
they call it ‘runners high’
i don’t really run anymore, I used to do so competitively, run run running from myself, I think
but I still get the high .. SO much
when I allow it
now, I throw heavy things, and i throw and twist and magic my own body, i lift and push and ROAR, and when I let myself give IN to it, there’s that moment –
it’s the moment I’ve loved since as long as I can remember –
and I think of my former coach’s face leaning over me back in the day in the gym, shouting at me to get up
i’d be curled up on the floor thinking I’m about to pass out
“YES, BUT DID YOU DIE YET KAT?”, he’d say
I miss that…
ZERO compassion
or perhaps he just knew
what it means to coach a one percent within the one percent person
what it is that people like ME and YOU actually need and also WANT
and so, I’d get up
I would SCREAM
I would ROAR
I would RAGE
and I’d KEEP FUCKING GOING
to get the lift, to get the time, to get the body, to get the praise, NO
to get the fucking feeling
the INSANE fucking feeling
of living your damn LIFE
when I think about how I’ve made so much money …
created a location free life where I get to do what I want all day long …
it never HAPPENED because I chased money
it never happened when I DID chase money!!
it happened when i showed the fuck up for WHO I AM
and this is who I am:
i want to be challenged
i want to burn
i want to PUSH, I LOVE the push, the OMG, I’m not going to make it, nobody could do this, it hurts so GOOD, I can’t I can’t I can’t I CAN’T keep going and then
THEN I JUST DO
and I am FUCKING SUPERWOMAN, BITCH, you better CHECK yourself!
i want to be on the floor
thinking i can’t keep going
having gone more all in than ANYONE
about to call time
and then?
WELL? DID YOU FUCKING DIE YET? NO? THEN YOU GET THE FUCK BACK UP KAT.
it’s only your LIFE
i never pushed and ran and strove so hard to create all that I did so I could make this money, and sit around doing sweet FA all day
I did it for the sake of DOING it, is the truth
i did it because I have NEVER been the person who wanted to slow down and breathe, I want to WAKE UP AND LIVE
the truth is I don’t do sweet FA at all, I get my shit DONE each day, and then some
but the truth is also … I’ve been playing safe
I’ve been playing small
I’ve been hiding my light
I’ve been holding back
I’ve been hanging out being COMFORTABLE
well, you know what?
It’s gloves off time baby, and the big hand? is pointing to now.
it’s been a good ole warm-up so far
let’s see what happens when I get out there in the field
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