CARVED BY BLOOD AND STONE
I trained myself into being this person.
I repeatedly went against what felt comfortable, normal, or natural at the time, and chose something confronting, impossible, reckless, or mad.
I looked continually to the future, and I asked myself:
“What next move MUST I then make?”
I saw that the future me would not be spending her time or energy or focus on certain things around the house, and so I stopped doing them. I ignored them, completely, and if the mess became too distracting, I left the house and worked from a coffee shop.
I continued to pay for said coffee out even though I couldn’t afford it and sometimes couldn’t even pay for groceries.
I was running on empty, financially, continually, head barely above water, counting dollars and cents and nearly ALWAYS swiping my card for even the smallest item and just praying it went through.
I was running on empty, internally, as well, always demanding MORE of myself, more for the sake of more? NEVER. More of whatever my soul told me I must do, had to do, not simply because maybe it was part of what was gonna ‘get me there’, but more so because it was required for my growth.
For the honing and melding and sculpting and CREATION THROUGH FIRE making of me into this woman.
I trained myself into being this person.
I saw that one day I would have a cleaner several times a week, and so I stretched (HUGE stretch) to $60 once a month to get that process started.
“Should we really be spending money on that when we’re so behind on credit cards … tax … everything?!”
– “We can’t not”.
I trained myself into being this person.
I noticed that I had a lot of stuff just hanging over me. Paperwork and bills to sort and random annoying things. I saw how it was costing me energy, how it was muddying up my flow, how it was always just THERE, on the edge of my psyche, these endless things I had to get to, and which something WITHIN me however knew –
That’s not your job to do Kat. So I hired someone 2 hours a week, $20 an hour, taken from what should, again, have been going towards LIVING, or paying existing bills, taken from money that didn’t exist, and I handed it over.
Seeing who I was meant to become.
Saying yes to being her without any proof except THE ONLY PROOF THAT MATTERED, that I could dare to do such a thing.
And I knew –
You can’t seem to do it because deep down you know it’s NOT YOUR JOB TO DO.
Same as the cleaning.
Or folding.
Or, well, most of what people both in business or life consider just PART of life.
“No”, I thought.
“That’s not for me.”
Deep down I always knew I would not live the normal life, and the moment I realised I’d allowed myself to be sucked in to certain things being ‘required’, even a little, or that I was just doing ’em for now, ‘because I had to’, I became RUTHLESS with myself about it.
I cut myself off from being ‘allowed’ to do ANYTHING except for what I knew I was meant to do.
Write.
Speak.
Create.
Muddle something together to sell.
Fall on my face.
Get back up.
Repeat.
Ignore everything else, let it burn and fall around me, and then bit by bit bring someone else in to do it, or let life just somehow sort it out.
I TRAINED myself into being this person.
When I felt like falling down, or apart, which was often, and I just couldn’t anymore, which was OFTEN, and things were not working, which was OFTEN, and I had little to no access to certainty, confidence, assuredness, or know-how, which was OFTEN –
I pulled up my damn socks, slapped myself twice on each cheek, poured a bucket of ice water over my head, screamed into the wind, and TRAINED.MYSELF.DEEPER.INTO.BEING.THIS.PERSON!
Or, y’know – cried for a bit and then opened my computer and wrote something 
I trained myself into being this person because I understood. I looked to the future and I just GOT it. That it didn’t matter how called for it I was. It didn’t matter how BORN for it I was. It didn’t matter how powerful and amazing and wow and fuck yes my purpose work was. It didn’t matter how many millions of people or even ONE person I could impact with what I came here to do, it didn’t matter that God Himself knew me before I was even brought to this place, it ONLY mattered –
And move myself in that direction NOW.
No excuses.
No waiting.
No readying.
No one-daying.
No way.
And so I TRAINED myself into being this person.
Left foot, right foot, left, right, GO.
In some ways … it was perhaps overly disciplined, structured, rule-based. I did not allow for my own bullshit. I was not available for back and forth about the matter. I had no TIME to moan and woan about what about this or that or whatever.
I just.got.ON with it.
Repeat repeat repeat.
Oh, so it hurts? It’s a little ouchy? It’s bleeding like a motherfucker? Your guts are literally POURING OUT ON THE FLOOR AND YOU CAN’T ANYMORE?
Shut the fuck up! Are you DEAD yet? No! Then get up and keep going bitch.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
I trained myself like the most brutal and no-fucks-given taskmaster you can imagine.
I didn’t skip a beat with my physical fitness either. Nutrition on point. Inner work. Money and wealth tracking even when there was none to track. Etc.
And always,
the writing.
It was so so rubbish, so so much of the time. I felt squirmy and uncomfortable. Nobody listened or cared! I would get zero comments, zero replies, zero clue if anyone even noticed! I was a tree continually falling in the forest and nobody knew.
BUT I KEPT GOING.
I SAW WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.
AND I GOT IT.
And I just DID it, you know? I just daily DID it. What else can I shed, shred, cut, burn, destroy? What SMALL and not REALLY me can I MURDER in order to let through the me who my FEAR mind thinks I have to wait to be.
ARE YOU DEAD YET?
Then get the fuck back up.
Repeat.
Maybe it sounds too harsh for you, too much, poor Kat, so military?
You don’t get it.
IT WAS THE GREATEST TIME OF MY LIFE.
I was becoming the warrior.
I was lit on fire.
I was being carved by blood and stone into who I always was and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
I was breathless and giddy and sometimes burning of eyes and head and it felt like all my skin had been scraped off and then exfoliated underneath with sand and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
The highs.
The lows.
The pain.
The flow.
I LOVED it.
I loved the BECOMING.
I loved that this was PART of my becoming.
I wouldn’t change a SECOND of it.
It was exhilarating, expanding, exciting, and also – fun!
This life is not for the faint-hearted.
Anyone can make money.
Anyone can be of service.
Anyone can be a pretty polished ‘preneur on the internet.
We don’t come here for that shit.
We GET whatever we choose to GET when we choose it.
But we, we are the ones who do what it takes, who work while they all play except for the fact that what nobody else gets is that the work is the play is the flow is God is LIFE.
And the falling down is JUST as fuck yes and flow as the getting back up.
So I broke through. I ‘became’ the person. I made millions of dollars. I have a ‘dream’ life, the exact one I saw in my head and relentlessly kept choosing, and acting towards.
There’s not a single reason I ever have to push like that again.
I have automated income comin’ out of my ears.
I could Netflix and chill til I die.
But here’s the secret, and the reason most people will never get us –
I DIDN’T TRAIN MYSELF INTO BEING SHIT.
I just acted as the me I always was.
The one who does the damn things because she can’t not.
They’re easy.
Like taking candy from a baby, making money is, or calling in the ANYTHING.
Only reason I didn’t have that sooner is I just didn’t realise.
And I thought the push, the burn, the do what it takes, the endless pursuit of flow, the dropping in, the falling through, the screaming flying orgasmic fuck yesery of it all was what I was doing to get there.
When all along it was actually the gateway.
To the having? The doing? The becoming?
No girl, no.
To breathing.
And being who I already was.
So throw me back in the fire.
WATCH me melt and burn.
All I’ll ever do is come out head back roaring and glowing supernatural eyes cutting through you like lasers as I recreate myself into the next best thing I already always was.
I didn’t train myself to be this person.
I just started being who I already was.
And life responded accordingly.
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